Chinese Shotgun

I’ve never been a big fan of sites who label themselves as “humor” sites, because 99.9% of the time they’re not funny at all.  CollegeHumor is stupid.  Every single girl in college has huge tits and sleeps around and votes for Obama, and every guy in college just drinks a lot of beer.  How original and hysterical.  Why hasn’t any college-related humor evolved since the movie Animal House came out?  Comedy that is built on stereotypes just irritates the shit out of me.

Anyway, earlier today I came across a site called College OTR, which stands for College On The Record.  This site is like a really bad version of College Humor, which I thought would be absolutely impossible to pull off.  After reading a few of the articles, I realized that this site is most definitely written by Christian college students who will never have sex, and once a year take a break from 14 hour library studying sessions to go to a party where they drink way too much soda and play Twister.  How crazy!

What’s even worse than the terribly un-interesting writing and hybrid of stereotypical and elementary topics is the comments.  I swear, every single person who reads this website and leaves comments is either a mother who had kids in her early 40s and is now like, 50+ years old or someone in elementary school.

Take a look at this link, for example: http://www.collegeotr.com/college_otr/amidst_viacom_war_with_time_warner_cable_mtv_airs_sad_miley_cyrus_new_years_show_17527

In fact, you should just start reading the site regularly.  The sophisticated and edgy humor, like articles on which girls are hot, and pictures of college students sitting around with a bunch of red plastic cups in their hands (I WONDER WHAT’S IN THOSE CUPS?!?!? LOL) and articles laced with the word ” frickin’ ” will just make your day.  As an added bonus, the people in the comments will either tell you the latest story line of Sesame Street or give you life lessons from when they grew up in the 1960s.

I don’t know when this became a trend, but it’s fucking irritating.  What’s the point?  We went from taking out letters that were actually necessary, and creating words like txt and 2morrow, and sentences like “r u doin dat 2day” to adding many, many unnecessary letters that don’t add any value to the words at all.  Fall Out Boy didn’t even do this to the names of the tracks on one of their albums, so I have no idea why kids are doing it at all.

Anyway, here are examples of what I’m talking about:

Yes, I did do a shitty job of finding examples of this and really just took pictures of one kid’s entire facebook page and then some other random girl I don’t even know, but you get the point.

Today I was a little bit down when I woke up, and as I looked outside and saw the snow falling, I just wished for a new life with a loving family, and a warm cozy house with a fireplace, and tap water that didn’t taste like ass sweat.

And then I realized I was poor and I started to cry.

But then, I opened my e-mail and BAM, my life changed right before my eyes.  I got an e-mail from a legite loan lender.  He sent me the sweetest e-mail.  In fact, I could tell he was really excited to give me money because he was in such a hurry to share this sweet ass offer with me that he didn’t bother to spell check his message.

I’m buying a Range Rover, and a new house, and a girlfriend, bitches.

My dog is kind of retarded.  But what impresses me is her ability to make a toy out of anything, even if it’s like, 50 times bigger than she is.  That is exactly what she did with this giant stick in my backyard, right after I took her to the vet and she threw up all over the center console of my car.  She was probably sick from eating too many sticks, so the cycle continues.

Just so you know… this video is long, and the beginning doesn’t really seem funny unless you’re like, an 85 year old woman who thinks greeting cards with cats dressed up in costumes is piss-your-pants hilarious.  But trust me… it gets good towards the middle.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but whatever.  Here is a video of me French kissing my dog’s sister.

This ad originally was a vertical bar on the side of my Facebook screen, and I originally posted it like that, but people thought it was an actual advertisement on my site and bitched. So whatever, fuckers. I cropped it for you. Happy now?

Um… hot Christian girls are attracted to people who code in open source, but not hairy people who code in open source, and since open source software is usually free, open source coders can’t necessarily afford $5,000 worth of laser hair removal treatments.  Also, since anyone interested in open source is 99.9% likely to not be sexually active, Christian girls who aren’t going to jump all over your dick is the way to go.

Never again will I think that it is funny to moon my friend when he is using Photo Booth from a remote computer, and then leave my laptop unattended next to him while I use the bathroom.

It’s a damn shame, though. I mean, the world needs more rocket scientists and mathematicians.

Saturday morning Ricky, Matt, George and I went golfing. After about 6 holes, we decided we didn’t fucking care anymore and decided to try random new things. One of those was to golf like Happy Gilmore would have done. Um… Happy Gilmore was much better than us.

Alright. I get really creeped out by the whole “Jesus is so awesome and I felt him touch me yesterday” hippie movement. Honestly. It’s just weird. I understand people who are passionate about their religion, but there is something creepy about the whole thing.

I especially hate getting raped by religion every time I sign into Facebook. Take this for example:

I’m not going to bitch and say “why would you set this as your Facebook status” considering that I, myself, am guilty of pointless updates about how much I love my puppy, or how I love my girlfriend, or how every time I drink Vanilla Coke I ejaculate in my pants. I just find it funny that people who say “I love Jesus OMFG” seem to spread their love around like a joint at an indie rock festival.

Example: