Chinese Shotgun

Every graduation party that I’ve been to has had these stupid “Congrats Grad” signs.  No matter what they look, or where they’re bought, or the style or whatever, every single one of them has said “Congrats Grad.”  Not congratulations, not happy graduation, just “congrats grad.”  This is really fucking irritating.

I mean, really, are we that lazy of a society that we can’t be bothered to spell out full words under any circumstances.  I mean, there seriously, in the 5 or 6 years that I’ve been going to graduation parties, has not been a sign that hasn’t said “congrats grad.”  And it’s so stupid anyway.  No one says “congrats” in real life conversation.  Everyone says congratulations.  I don’t know.  I just think “congrats grad” is the stupid sign company’s way of trying to be so fucking hip and cool and edgy because they can use abbreviations and crazy fonts and wow, that’s just so cool.

This is an incoherent mess, but I needed to express my hatred for these stupid stupid fucking signs.

I think it’s a good idea that social networking websites like MySpace and Facebook allow you to upload multiple pictures of yourself, because how could you possibly capture someone’s unique personality in just one picture.  With the ability to upload multiple poses and scenarios, you really can give an accurate portrayal of your diversity.

Now, I’m not racist.. BUT.. have you ever noticed that on television, all black people repeat the same thing at least 5 times, regardless of how far the argument or conversation has progressed since they started?

I’m watching Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew… or as I like to call it, the “I’m Daniel Baldwin, pay attention to me” show, and one of the um… “participants” is yelling at Jeff Conway and even though Jeff has continued the conversation, she keeps repeating “I didn’t say that…” over and over. She repeated something else too, but I don’t feel like rewinding and finding out. The point is, she’s repeated the same two sentences over and over, even though they aren’t even in context anymore. That’s so annoying, and only black people do that.

I’m a big fan of reality TV, and so I also watch the show Parking Wars on A&E. On that show, which takes place in Philadelphia, the black people just scream the same point over and over again at the parking enforcement officers. How is that even an effective way of arguing your point?

Let me put this into context. My mother is white, and let’s pretend I’m black. I wanted Cheese Nips but instead she bought animal crackers. This is how the conversation would go:

Me: Can I have some Cheese Nips?
Mom: I only bought animal crackers.
Me: Those aren’t the crackers I told you to buy.
Mom: I know, I’m sorry. They’re still delicious though.
Me: Those aren’t the crackers I told you to buy.
Mom: They are actually more healthy than Cheese Nips, too.
Me: Those aren’t the crackers I told you to buy.
Mom: I can always go back tomorrow and buy you Cheese Nips if you really want them, but why don’t you try these first?
Me: Those aren’t the crackers I told you to buy.
Mom: There is someone behind you with a gun pointed at your head. You better run.
Me: Those aren’t the crackers I told you to buy…

And then I’d be dead. Because I couldn’t fucking participate properly in a conversation. Instead, I had to keep repeating the same thing over and over in anger. In fact, the obituary would say “died of causes related to being an absolute fucking retard.”

I’m sitting here a McDonalds in Youngstown.  It is about 9:44 AM as I write this.  I had an appointment with a client at 10:00, and for the first time in my life I am ahead of my schedule.  Never will I be ahead of schedule again.  Here is why:

When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was that even the signs that encourage better employee performance are um… how do I say this…. Youngstown-ized.  The sign reads “Go time!  Serve those order good.”

As I sat down, two people who I’m assuming, based entirely on stereotypes, were homeless started muttering under their breath about me being on my laptop.  Collectively they had 5 teeth.  I ate my Sausage Biscuit with Egg, and it was delicious, but as I started on the hash brown, a group of elderly Jewish men got into a fight with another old Jewish man about how they hadn’t seen him in Temple, and how he had a handicapped sticker for his car but didn’t park in a handicapped spot, to which he replied “You don’t tell me where I belong.” Then they all started yelling at each other in Hebrew.  I’m not making this up.

Then, one of the Jewish men started heckling a man in another group of Elderly men.  The conversation included lines such as “I was at a funeral home last night, and I heard some things about you.  But I’m not going to tell you which funeral home it was” and “When you die, I’m not going to send you flowers.  I’m going to send your wife flowers.  I’m not going to go behind your back, I’m going to tell you to your face.  I’m going to send your wife flowers.  And I’m going to give her a travelers check, so she can travel with me.”

Now, at 9:50, thankfully 10 minutes before I have to leave, one of the Jewish men from group #1 is spitting tobacco into his coffee cup, and clipping his fingernails at the table.  He is fucking clipping his fingernails at the table of a public restaurant.  A McDonalds employee just walked past him as she was wiping off tables and playfully made a comment about him still wearing his jacket.  “Are you cold?” to which he replied “Why?”  The not-so-witty banter between an elderly tobacco-chewing Jewish gentleman and an unkept female McDonalds employee went on for a few minutes before she told him that he needs a wife.  “That’s right.  A nice young one like you.”  And, despite everything she had to have learned in school about rape, and predators, and self-defense, she walked over to him and started wiping off his table.  Love, born of a dirty table and a lack of self respect.  I can’t believe I ever thought that romance died with the leaves on the trees.