I have a rule that after Thanksgiving I start listening to Christmas music. So, while it’s only December 9, I’ve already had my fair share of Christmas music. My after Thanksgiving rule only applies to me putting Christmas music on my iPod. By Thanksgiving, commercials and shopping malls have already shoved holiday music, and sales, and false hope down my throat. In the mall, Christmas begins in fucking August.
I think that some of the Christmas carols that are popular are giving today’s youth a bad message. I’m not talking about freedom of religion, or the fact that people bursting out into song in the middle of Target is so fucking irritating I can’t stand it. I just think that, in a time where censorship is stronger than ever, we need to rethink what these songs are saying. It’s been a long morning, and I was sick this entire weekend, so really this entry is only about two songs in particular.
1: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Really? Well then your mommy is a big fucking whore. Listen, kids: it’s only okay for Mommy to be kissing Santa Claus if Daddy isn’t around anymore. And even then, Santa Claus better have initiated the kiss. Why? Have you ever heard of Mrs. Claus? Santa Claus is fucking married. Unless there is a Part 2 that goes “My Mommy is a big whore home-wrecker” I think that this isn’t something you should just be running around town advertising in a sing-song manner. Don’t get me wrong, that whole “sex with a mom” fetish works on me too… but you wouldn’t go around town singing that your mom had an affair with the math teacher so you could pull a B-average. What makes Santa Claus any different?
2: Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Trust me. There is a reason that Rudolph was laughed at by the other reindeer. It’s called acne. It’s weird, too, because there really is no reason for Rudolph to have acne, considering that a reindeer’s diet consists entirely of vegetation. I guess magic really does happen at the North Pole. Perhaps Rudolph went on a few other Christmas journeys with Santa Claus. If I were Santa, I’d get pretty fucking sick and tired of cookies and milk after the, say, I don’t know, fifth house I visited. My guess is that Santa didn’t want to be a rude guest, and instead of leaving the milk and cookies on the table, he took them to make it seem like he ate them, and gave them to the reindeer. Rudolph probably had too much milk. I mean, milk is actually bad for your skin. Skim milk is the worst kind, and since Santa is overweight, and all of the cartoons portray him this way, children probably started leaving skim milk as a way to watch out for Santa’s health, so they could continue to get presents year after year.
So the other reindeer made fun of Rudolph because he had acne. What a glorious fun-loving song for children. It’s a good think kids stop believing in Santa Claus before they hit seventh and eighth grade and they start getting red noses. So now kids want to be just like Rudolph, and they’re going to stop washing their faces. How are companies like Clearasil going to counter-act this trend? My guess would be to create a commercial where Rudolph uses Clearasil to wash his face, and then his red nose goes away, and instead of leading a fucking sled like some slave, he gets all the hot reindeer ass. Mmm.
A popular mondegreen consists of “Olive, the other reindeer…” If you take this part of the song literally, guess what… Olive is a fucking bitch. In fact, there were a ton of “Olives” in my eighth grade English class. I had naturally oily skin, okay? I wasn’t glorified. I didn’t save Christmas. I was just an easy target in dodgeball.
