Chinese Shotgun

I don’t know when this became a trend, but it’s fucking irritating.  What’s the point?  We went from taking out letters that were actually necessary, and creating words like txt and 2morrow, and sentences like “r u doin dat 2day” to adding many, many unnecessary letters that don’t add any value to the words at all.  Fall Out Boy didn’t even do this to the names of the tracks on one of their albums, so I have no idea why kids are doing it at all.

Anyway, here are examples of what I’m talking about:

Yes, I did do a shitty job of finding examples of this and really just took pictures of one kid’s entire facebook page and then some other random girl I don’t even know, but you get the point.

This ad originally was a vertical bar on the side of my Facebook screen, and I originally posted it like that, but people thought it was an actual advertisement on my site and bitched. So whatever, fuckers. I cropped it for you. Happy now?

Um… hot Christian girls are attracted to people who code in open source, but not hairy people who code in open source, and since open source software is usually free, open source coders can’t necessarily afford $5,000 worth of laser hair removal treatments.  Also, since anyone interested in open source is 99.9% likely to not be sexually active, Christian girls who aren’t going to jump all over your dick is the way to go.

It’s a damn shame, though. I mean, the world needs more rocket scientists and mathematicians.

Alright. I get really creeped out by the whole “Jesus is so awesome and I felt him touch me yesterday” hippie movement. Honestly. It’s just weird. I understand people who are passionate about their religion, but there is something creepy about the whole thing.

I especially hate getting raped by religion every time I sign into Facebook. Take this for example:

I’m not going to bitch and say “why would you set this as your Facebook status” considering that I, myself, am guilty of pointless updates about how much I love my puppy, or how I love my girlfriend, or how every time I drink Vanilla Coke I ejaculate in my pants. I just find it funny that people who say “I love Jesus OMFG” seem to spread their love around like a joint at an indie rock festival.

Example:

I wonder if this is someone who would fuck up the mandatory “is” on Facebook normally.

I enjoy it so much when people advertise in their AIM profiles or on their Facebook/MySpace pages about how fucking smart they are, and then they just make complete asses out of themselves.

For example:

Now, I know it’s just a simple grammar / spelling mistake, but whatever.  Fuck you.  If you’re going to claim that you’re a genius, live up to it.  Otherwise, quit being an asshole.

I actually like the kid who put this on his Facebook page, but it just brought back memories of all those stupid people I’ve known and hated who did the same exact thing.

How awkward this is.  How immature I am.

I love the Facebook mini-feed, because I have more free time than friends. It’s incredibly convenient (read: sometimes creepy) to never hang out with someone but whenever they’re brought up you can know everything about them. Have I drank and had intimate conversations with half of my grade recently? No, but I can name at least the last 10 guys those girls have banged. Thank you, mini feed, thank you.

Perhaps the key thing to look for on the mini-feed are status updates. If you study them carefully, you can pinpoint almost every vulnerability in that girl who doesn’t like you in that way. Let’s use the example “Leah”… for no specific reason. Yeah. Suppose “Leah is feeling sad” at 8:30 PM, and you leave Leah a Facebook comment that says “Cheer up. I’m here if you need me.” If at 9:45 Leah’s status is “Leah is creeped the fuck out” chances are she’s watching a scary movie or she wants nothing to do with you. If at 9:45 Leah’s status is “Leah is feeling better” perhaps your comment warmed her heart. At least, you can go on thinking that until her 12:45 status is “Leah is blowing her boyfriend so hard he nicknamed her Oreck XL.” The point is…. girls will never like you in that way.

Status updates are already preceded with “[Your name] is….”. So why the fuck people disregard that is beyond me. Obviously the creators of Facebook want you to enter your statuses (or statii… i don’t know) as complete sentences. So, imagine how angry someone with way too much time on their hands gets when he sees this kind of shit all the time on his mini-feed:

This one might be understandable given the content of the message:

What the fuck?  What… the… fuck?  Seriously, Facebook makes the sentence for you.  None of this makes any sense at all.  AT ALL!!!

Oh, and I’m throwing this picture in the mix anyway.  Because… who would have thought?