I’m sitting here a McDonalds in Youngstown. It is about 9:44 AM as I write this. I had an appointment with a client at 10:00, and for the first time in my life I am ahead of my schedule. Never will I be ahead of schedule again. Here is why:
When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was that even the signs that encourage better employee performance are um… how do I say this…. Youngstown-ized. The sign reads “Go time! Serve those order good.”
As I sat down, two people who I’m assuming, based entirely on stereotypes, were homeless started muttering under their breath about me being on my laptop. Collectively they had 5 teeth. I ate my Sausage Biscuit with Egg, and it was delicious, but as I started on the hash brown, a group of elderly Jewish men got into a fight with another old Jewish man about how they hadn’t seen him in Temple, and how he had a handicapped sticker for his car but didn’t park in a handicapped spot, to which he replied “You don’t tell me where I belong.” Then they all started yelling at each other in Hebrew. I’m not making this up.
Then, one of the Jewish men started heckling a man in another group of Elderly men. The conversation included lines such as “I was at a funeral home last night, and I heard some things about you. But I’m not going to tell you which funeral home it was” and “When you die, I’m not going to send you flowers. I’m going to send your wife flowers. I’m not going to go behind your back, I’m going to tell you to your face. I’m going to send your wife flowers. And I’m going to give her a travelers check, so she can travel with me.”
Now, at 9:50, thankfully 10 minutes before I have to leave, one of the Jewish men from group #1 is spitting tobacco into his coffee cup, and clipping his fingernails at the table. He is fucking clipping his fingernails at the table of a public restaurant. A McDonalds employee just walked past him as she was wiping off tables and playfully made a comment about him still wearing his jacket. “Are you cold?” to which he replied “Why?” The not-so-witty banter between an elderly tobacco-chewing Jewish gentleman and an unkept female McDonalds employee went on for a few minutes before she told him that he needs a wife. “That’s right. A nice young one like you.” And, despite everything she had to have learned in school about rape, and predators, and self-defense, she walked over to him and started wiping off his table. Love, born of a dirty table and a lack of self respect. I can’t believe I ever thought that romance died with the leaves on the trees.
