I love the Facebook mini-feed, because I have more free time than friends. It’s incredibly convenient (read: sometimes creepy) to never hang out with someone but whenever they’re brought up you can know everything about them. Have I drank and had intimate conversations with half of my grade recently? No, but I can name at least the last 10 guys those girls have banged. Thank you, mini feed, thank you.
Perhaps the key thing to look for on the mini-feed are status updates. If you study them carefully, you can pinpoint almost every vulnerability in that girl who doesn’t like you in that way. Let’s use the example “Leah”… for no specific reason. Yeah. Suppose “Leah is feeling sad” at 8:30 PM, and you leave Leah a Facebook comment that says “Cheer up. I’m here if you need me.” If at 9:45 Leah’s status is “Leah is creeped the fuck out” chances are she’s watching a scary movie or she wants nothing to do with you. If at 9:45 Leah’s status is “Leah is feeling better” perhaps your comment warmed her heart. At least, you can go on thinking that until her 12:45 status is “Leah is blowing her boyfriend so hard he nicknamed her Oreck XL.” The point is…. girls will never like you in that way.
Status updates are already preceded with “[Your name] is….”. So why the fuck people disregard that is beyond me. Obviously the creators of Facebook want you to enter your statuses (or statii… i don’t know) as complete sentences. So, imagine how angry someone with way too much time on their hands gets when he sees this kind of shit all the time on his mini-feed:
This one might be understandable given the content of the message:
What the fuck? What… the… fuck? Seriously, Facebook makes the sentence for you. None of this makes any sense at all. AT ALL!!!
Oh, and I’m throwing this picture in the mix anyway. Because… who would have thought?
